Contrite
by Whoopsxx
Summary: It was just the lonely feeling that he got sometimes. It crept in slowly and then took over all at once, washing over him like a tidal wave and pulling him under, repeatedly pushing him out to sea only to crash him back into the rocks again and repeat, no time for Alec to get his head above the surface and breathe. There was no air. He was slowly suffocating. *Malec.


I don't know where this came from but I like it? Slight mention of self-harm if you squint really hard. So... yeah. I had a little bit of inspiration from the song 'Breathe Me' by Sia. It was on repeat while I was writing this, aha. It gets kinda fluffy at the end, so beware! Enjoy!

* * *

Alec sat, alone, in his bedroom. His plain, empty bedroom. There was nothing special in it; no sentimental items except a picture of him and Magnus in Paris. It was his favourite picture; the Eiffel Tower in the backround; Alec standing there in his usual jeans and black sweater, Magnus behind him, chin resting on Alec's shoulder and arms wrapped loosely around his waist, the two of them looking at eachother and grinning like there was no tomorrow. It was in a wooden frame that sat on the top of his nightstand.

It wasn't as if Alec minded being alone. He liked it; he was more of a solitary, independent type of person, anyways. It was just the lonely feeling that he got sometimes. It crept in slowly and then took over all at once, washing over him like a tidal wave and pulling him under, repeatedly pushing him out to sea only to crash him back into the rocks again and repeat, no time for Alec to get his head above the surface and _breathe_. There was no air. He was slowly suffocating.

He had that lonely feeling now, in fact, as he sat on the edge of his bed, head in his hands. He'd messed up, and he knew it. It's not like Alec _meant_ to yell at Magnus like he did. And he didn't mean some of the rather nasty things he said, either. It was just the fact that Magnus had said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Alec was tired due to lack of sleep, and grouchy from Jace's never ceasing, growing attitude and Isabelle was whining about all these things and Alec's father wouldn't even _look_ at him, and generally everything in his life was going wrong.

Slowly Alec looked up at his phone, which was sitting by the picture. Contemplating calling Magnus, he changed his mind. All he could think of was the look on Magnus' face when he'd snapped at his comment and then started to yell, and - he didn't want to think about it anymore. Shaking his head, as if to shake his thoughts out of his head, he stood up abrubtly and grabbed his leather jacket that was hanging on the doorknob. He hesitated, taking in a steady breath, studying the hole in the wall that he had put there earlier. Like everything else, he didn't mean to. Anger and hurt got the better of him. He turned on the spot and looked around his room, his eyes falling on the photograph. Moving onto the blood that stained the floor at the foot of the bed, Alec resolved that he would have to clean it up later. He made a bit of a mess, unintentionally. All he would have to do for now was hope that no one went into his room - but who was he kidding? With his luck, Isabelle or Jace would go snooping in there and see it, then question him about it. Alec slid on his jacket suddenly and turned violently, jerking his door open, making his way silently out of the Institute.

It was cold outside, colder than he expected. His breath came out in big white clouds, reminding him of when he was younger, the times when he would come outside and pretend he was a big, strong dragon. Max did the same thing, too, before. In a lot of ways, Max was exactly like Alec. But Alec didn't want to think about Max, because when he did, all it would was make him hurt.

All Alec seemed to do these days was hurt.

Soundlessly, he made his way down the street. Instead of sticking to the shadows like he usually did, he walked right down the middle of the sidewalk. Unconciously, he glanced up at the sky. Stars were barely visible, but still there, shining like beacons in the sky, always there, refusing to fade away into the dark night sky. Companions of the moon, Alec's mom used to say about the stars. Because the moon used to be lonely. Sad. A lot like he was. Except Alec didn't have any companions like the moon did. He was alone. Lonely. Which wasn't exactly true, but wasn't a lie, either. Isabelle was annoyed with him. Jace was ignoring him. His mother was in Idris, along with his father, who wouldn't even look at him. And Magnus. Angel,_ Magnus._ Alec didn't know what Magnus was, but he knew it wasn't exactly happy.

So that was it, then. He was alone with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company. With a harsh, mirthless laugh, Alec shook his head. It wasn't the first time.

And then, with his luck, it started to rain.

He was just the luckiest person in the world, wasn't he?

The rain was cold, falling down from the heavens, pitter-pattering against the pavement in a steady, constant rhythym. It soaked through the Shadowhunter's clothes and through his skin. His hair was damp, sticking to his forhead and neck; his clothes clinging to him. Cold settled through Alec, chilling him to the very bone. He did nothing to find shelter, just pulled his leather jacket tighter and continued to walk. He didn't know where he was going, but he figured that anywhere was better than where he was at the moment.

With a sudden jolt, Alec realized that he left his weapons, and even his stele, at home, tucked in the corner of his room. He cursed himself, _stupid stupid stupid. _Though he didn't want to go back and get them. He swore softly, clenching his jaw and continuing on. He hoped, prayed, even, that he wouldn't need them.

And so he walked on, losing track of time. His teeth chattered as he started to notice just how cold it really was. He didn't really feel it before, but now the cold was sinking its teeth into him, spreading through him, numbing him. Alec's step faltered and then suddenly he stopped, glancing up at the building he was stopped in front of. He bit his lip, and then ventured forward bravely, going inside. Open the door, up the stairs, pull the key out of his pocket - it was all a familiar routine, though this time it was much more cautious; hesitant. Slowly, he turned the key and pushed the door open, closing it behind him. He took a deep breath in, and then toed off his shoes, shrugging off his soaked jacket and hanging it up. It was warm, which was a relief.

Another door. He stepped inside, something small darting past his feet. He shrugged his wet clothes off, finding a pair of his dry pj pants and boxers in a small heap on the floor. Alec shrugged them on, and then moved forward almost mechanically. He took another deep breath, and then picked up the edge of the comforter and slid into the bed, staying at the edge but turning on his side to face the middle of the bed.

"Magnus?" His voice was soft, quiet, like a sigh lost in the wind. The body on the other side of the bed shifted, turning.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry." Alec hadn't realized he was crying until Magnus reached his hand out and brushed some of the tears off his cheeks. He cursed himself for the second time, _stupid stupid stupid._ "I'm really, really sorry, and I-"

Alec was interruped with a 'shh' and then 'c'mere' and he was pulled into familiar, warm arms. Immediately, his head found Magnus' shoulder, and he buried his face into the dip of the warlock's neck. "You're cold," Magnus murmured, tightening his arms that wound their way around Alec's middle. "And kind of wet."

"I took a walk. It started raining," Alec mumbled. Magnus lauged softly, turning his head, ghosting his lips across the top of Alec's head.

"Go to sleep," Magnus whispered.

"Okay," Alec whispered back.

"I mean it, Alexander. Go to sleep right now or else."

"Alright, alright. No need to 'or else' me." Magnus laughed again, and Alec fluttered his eyes closed, letting the exhaustion take him over. Just as he was drifting off, he swore he heard Magnus, soft and gentle, whisper 'I love you.'


End file.
